I had a bad experience last week.

A very very bad one. One that really has upset me quite a lot.

Last Thursday, I ran to Walmart to get just a few groceries. The boys wanted to go, but Hannah and Lucy didn't. I generally try to keep the kids with me as much as possible, so even though I know that Walmart isn't the best place for them, I took them because they wanted to go. Bad idea.

Seriously, we were not in the store long. I mostly just needed milk (I think we went through 5 gallons last week, believe it or not). I got one of those carts that has two seats on the back, where the kids are sitting up kind of looking at each other. We were fine until Ross started poking and pinching Reid. Now, I couldn't let Ross out of the cart, because he won't stay near me and will NOT keep his hands off the merchandise. So, I made Reid get out. And he had a FIT. He cried (well, more like screamed) all the way from the back of the store where the milk was to the deli in the front. Huge tears were streaming down his face and several times he just stopped walking. (Did I mention he weighs 45 pounds and is just too big for me to carry anymore?). He was just completely ticked because he wanted to ride in the cart and had been behaving. I tried to explain to him that he wasn't in trouble (but would be if he continued with his tantrum) and why he had to get out.

Anyway, when we got to the deli, I got Ross out and let Reid sit again. There was a line and I figured I could hold or contain Ross while we were there and at the register and then at least I wouldn't have to listen to Reid's wailing. This seems to solve the problem. We get our lunch meat and head to the register, but I get distracted by a display of pears on the way there. This is where it goes down hill. As I'm trying to get my pears, Ross is digging through the pears as well. I do my best to keep him out of them, but then he starts LICKING them. So, yes, I ended up buying pears that I didn't want. And then I was TICKED. What is worse is that he knew it. And then he went to pieces. He would not walk to the register, but continued to drop his legs and hang by my side when I tried to hold his hand. So, my fix for that is to hold his ear. He may kick and pull when I'm holding his hand, but if I have a hold on his earlobe, he won't because it will hurt. So, we walk to the register in this fashion with my patience at zero.

And then, as we're waiting for the woman in front of us to pay, Ross starts trying to bite me. So, I pulled up on his ear pretty harshly, trying to keep his head at an angle at which his mouth can't touch me. And then he was even madder. At that point, I would have left, but we really truly were out of milk and just cannot survive without it. As the woman in front of me is paying, she looks back at me and, in a very nasty and condescending tone says "is that how your mother treated you?". And, no, it was not a question of concern. It was not a "calm down, it will be fine". It was a "I'm going to berate you in public" type question. And I lost it. I won't put what I said to her in writing, as I am ashamed of it, but it was not civil, polite or kind. In fact, it was down right vulgar. And while she deserved every bit of what she got, I shouldn't have said it.

The woman and I bantered back and forth several times while she finished, during which it became clear that she and the man standing behind her at the next register had been speaking quite unkindly about me while I was loading my groceries on the belt concentrating on getting out of there (gee, perhaps if you had offered to help me with the groceries instead of snidely gossiping, I could have devoted both hands to my child!). What she said that bothers me the most, though, is this: as she walked away, she turned around and in the rudest, snottiest and meanest manner said "well, I'll pray for you". It wasn't said in a manner of concern -- it was condescending and a terribly warped use of the phrase.

Needless to say, I came home and almost had a meltdown. Was I being too rough on Ross? Yes. Was I out of patience? Yes. Did I deserve at all her treatment? No. Why would anyone see someone STRUGGLING and step in to aggravate the situation?

The thing that keeps haunting me, though, is her prayer comment. This is exactly why lately I've felt like steering clear of organized religion (which I suppose I haven't posted about yet -- my basic beliefs haven't changed, but I am totally disenchanted with the church at this point). This seems to be the type of people I run into in the church the most (I said most, not all) -- people who talk a lot about acting like a Christian and then behave horribly to just those who don't live up to their expectations. The irony in this is that I was doing the same thing at the time. "Love is patient, love is kind..." right? Yeah, I definitely had veered off course. So, in reality I'm no better than her, yet I loathed that woman from the first words she spoke to me.

I suppose on some level I owe this woman a thank you. My patience with the kids has been pretty poor since Jeremy left. No matter how much help I get from my in-laws, my friends or parents, I just can't seem to reset myself without Jeremy here. I don't wake up feeling refreshed -- ever. And it is brutally apparent that I need to do something about that, even if the only thing I can do is to exercise more self control. The kids shouldn't be on the bad end of my temper for the next 5 months. Sigh...but she could have accomplished the same thing without tearing me down. And I could have responded to her in a constructive manner to let her know that her words were unkind and hurtful.

The whole thing just makes me feel icky thinking about it. I feel like a crappy person and I feel crappy about people in general.